


If You Give Amos A Cookie...

by warren_space



Category: The Expanse (TV), The Expanse Series - James S. A. Corey
Genre: Arguably Cheating, Autoerotic Asphyxiation, Canon Divergence, Combined Book and Series, Dirty Talk, Episode Tag: S03e08 It Reaches Out, Friends With Benefits, Frottage, M/M, Masturbation, Season 3, mild choking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:54:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25366447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warren_space/pseuds/warren_space
Summary: Holden is going through some stuff. Amos offers help in the only way he knows how. Monica Stuart wants the latest scoop on the new "budding romance" on the Rocinante.In Caliban's War (the book), Amos evades questioning and being recorded by slewing a bunch of NSFW shit whenever there's cameras on him. This is kind of my Jamos take on that. It mainly focuses on the TV series, though it borrows elements from the book and also diverges from the sequence of events in S3 E8: It Reaches Out.Spoilers through S3 E8.
Relationships: Amos Burton/Jim Holden
Comments: 51
Kudos: 146





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You could make a very compelling argument for this being a cheating fic, so be warned if that is something you're sensitive to. It is kind of a grey area here, IMO. As a big proponent of Nolden, even I'm a little on the fence about it.

Amos walked into the med bay and got an eyeful of something… troubling. Holden was yelling, which wasn’t particularly new, but he wasn’t yelling at Alex or Amos or the film crew that followed them around all day. 

“My blood is clean!” Holden bellowed in the direction of an empty autodoc chair. “You’re not here, which at least explains the stupid fucking hat.” He trailed off when he saw Amos standing there, eyes wide and conflicted. “That might’ve looked weird.” 

_Weird_ wasn’t the word Amos would use. They’d seen enough _weird_ in their travels on the Rocinante for a guy yelling at himself to be a little on the tame side, at least compared to gooey blue matter committing genocide and building massive ring structures out of nothing. But Holden was their captain, and he kind of needed to have his shit together, so Amos was concerned for everyone’s sake. And if he’d also come to care about the man on some level deeper than that, he didn’t have to say that out loud. 

“Hey, none of my business,” Amos shrugged it off. “Are you sick, Cap?” 

“No, I don’t think so,” he answered weakly. _Then why have you been in the med bay for hours?_ Amos wanted to ask. Instead, he tried to be more helpful than that. 

“Look,” Amos leveled, “if there’s anything you need to get off your chest, I’m not much help, but I also don’t judge.” 

“It’s a great quality, you know,” Holden complimented. Amos hadn’t been fishing for a compliment, he was telling the truth. He was familiar enough with real evil to know the kind of guy who really deserved to be judged, and Holden wasn’t even in the ballpark. Holden did everything in his power, and even some things that weren’t, to be a good man. A man like that could decide to move to a nudist colony in the vacuum of space and Amos wouldn’t judge him for that. He might try to talk him out of it, sure, but without an ounce of criticism. Amos was in no position to condemn anybody. 

“Things have been in the red for a long time now,” Amos reasoned. “There’s only so much a guy can take, especially with this cosmic squid thing jumping off Venus and flying across the system, turning into a ring that eats ships. So vent away. Break some shit if you have to, I don’t care. Just, not the coffee maker again.”

“I’m alright, Amos,” Holden said. Amos didn’t believe him. The look on his face said so. “I mean I will be alright, and if I’m not, you’ll be the first to know, okay?” Amos wasn’t really satisfied with that, but pushing it wouldn’t have been helpful, so he relented. 

“Okay,” he accepted, then turned around to leave. 

Amos was a guy who liked to fix things. He understood the world like a machine— a bunch of moving parts that worked together. If one of the pieces didn’t function, cue the cascading failures. Amos was a mechanic, a damn good one. If there was a bug in Holden, he’d try to fix it. 

Only, people aren’t machines, and Amos wasn’t so good with people. He didn’t know the right things to say or the right times to say them. He had an idea, though. He turned back around. 

“Look, you need something, right? And it ain’t a shoulder to cry on.” 

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“Well, your girlfriend’s gone. Probably had her face between Drummer’s legs as soon as she was through the airlock on Medina, so that’s a bummer.” Holden furrowed his brow. 

“I hadn’t considered it.”

“Really? I think about it all the time,” Amos leered. 

“I don’t want to think about that.” 

“Sure. Like I said, I’m not much help. I’m not all that good at the ‘kindness’ thing. Naomi would know what to do. Alex might at least know what not to do. I don’t know any of that.”

“You’re doing okay. I’m okay, really.”

“No, you’re not. You’re strong, but shit’s hard, and you miss Naomi. I get that. So, here’s what I’m thinking: maybe you need to get laid.” Holden blinked at him in disbelief, trying to find the words to say.

“We’re headed toward an alien portal to who-the-fuck-knows-what, and you think I’m bugging out because I’m… horny?” 

“There are worse reasons.”

“I don’t think there are.” There was a beat of silence. “Out of curiosity, who are you proposing I have sex with? Monica?” 

“No. She’s hot, but she’d eat you alive. Probably suck your soul through your cock and then make you tell her all your secrets.”

“And get the whole thing on film.”

“Yeah,” Amos agreed wistfully. “On second thought, go for it. I’d watch the hell out of that documentary.”

“I’ll pass, thanks. Besides, I think she’s more interested in sucking _your_ soul than mine.” 

“Good thing I don’t got one,” Amos said. Then, after a pregnant pause: “I got a mouth, though. Plenty useful, if you’re interested.” The offer hung in the air for a moment. It was starting to feel like he’d played the wrong card. 

“You’re offering to suck my dick,” Holden summarized after a long thoughtful silence, his voice disbelieving and contemplative, either like he was considering the proposal or trying to find the words to turn it down. 

“Yeah. Or whatever,” Amos shrugged. 

“Whatever, as in…”

“Whatever you need,” said Amos suggestively, making an ‘O’ shape with one hand and pushing two fingers of the other hand through it. Holden sighed and patiently swatted at Amos’s hands to silence the rude gesture. Amos caught Holden’s hand in his and held it there. 

“I’m not… interested,” Holden said carefully, with a practiced kindness in his tone that spoke of experience letting people down easy. Amos didn’t need to be let down easy. He was offering Holden a service, nothing more. 

“Alright. Cool. Well, if you change your mind, I’m around. And generally always horny.” 

“I’m well aware,” Holden said. Amos relaxed his hand but Holden didn’t let go of it.

“There something else?” Holden had been looking at him like he needed something, but Amos didn’t know what it was. Amos didn’t know what he had to offer besides sex, but was willing to give Holden whatever he asked for. 

“Just hold my hand for a sec?” Amos stifled a laugh and nodded, repositioning his hand in Holden’s. “Oh, fuck you, you just offered to suck my dick, but you’re above holding my hand?” 

“Not above it. It’s just cute. I would literally let you bend me over one of these autodocs and drill me as hard as you know how, but you want to hold hands.” 

“You’d let me—” 

“Anything, dude.”

“You’re not, like, in love with me, are you?” 

“What about that felt like a marriage proposal?” 

“Absolutely nothing.” 

“Good. You could stand to blow off some steam, that’s all. I’m not trying to have your babies. ” 

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea.” 

“You don’t owe me an explanation. ‘Not interested’ is enough of an excuse.”

“I don’t want things to be weird between us.”

“Weird like holding hands?” Amos asked. Holden let go of his hand. 

“Or weird like you wanting me to bend you over an autodoc and me… not wanting that.” 

“I wasn’t crossing my fingers for it or nothing. It was just an idea. Not a big thing.” 

“You can take somebody’s dick in your ass and that’s ‘not a big thing’?” 

“Guess depends how big your _thing_ is, Captain.” 

“Shut up,” Holden said pathetically. Amos smiled. 

“You wanna go get dinner? I think Alex is making Stroganoff.” 

“I’ll catch up with you.” 

### ✰✰✰

Holden didn’t stop thinking about Amos’s proposal, even though Amos appeared to stop thinking about it immediately after the words left his lips. He was just like that. Holden was not. 

It was hard to find time alone to process it all with the camera crew on board. Monica Stuart wanted an exclusive on his thoughts before he even knew he had them. Of course she’d interrogate what she called the “budding romance” between him and Amos.

“There’s no ‘budding romance’ between me and Amos,” Holden refuted, sweating under the hard light. “He’s my mechanic. My friend, too, occasionally.” 

“That’s not how he made it seem.” 

“What did he say?” Holden asked, trying not to seem too invested, though he really did want to know. Monica blushed. 

“I can’t repeat it, I’d get sued for sexual harassment,” she said. “All the footage is useless. We’re trying to keep this doc on the right side of PG-13.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Amos. I don’t know what he told you, but I’m sure it was just to get the camera out of his face.”

“Why don’t you judge for yourself?” she said, scrolling through footage on her tablet and pulling up the offending clip. 

_“What do I think about Jim Holden?” Amos asked. “I think he’s got a big mouth.”_

_“Care to elaborate on that?” Monica prompted._

_“Talks a lot, is all. Only way to shut him up is with a fat cock between those pillowy lips.”_

_“Watch your language, please,” she said, struggling to maintain professionality._

_“Right. The only way to shut him up is with a fat_ penis _between those pillowy lips.”_

_“That’s not better.”_

_“Hey, I’m just bein’ honest,” Amos shrugged. “Would you rather hear about how tasty his tight little asshole is? Opens so easy on my tongue, fuck. I’m hungry just thinking about that sweet boy-pussy.” Amos hummed, an appetized noise, and Monica’s lips motor-boated in frustration._

_“So you and Jim Holden are in a sexual relationship?”_

_“I love it when he fucks me with his big, hard cock and makes a sloppy mess in my cunt,” he said instead of an affirmation._

Holden could hear Monica’s heavy breathing in the video, and he couldn’t blame her for being turned on. Holden didn’t think he’d ever be so frenzied by the term ‘boy-pussy,’ but the vulgarity of it got under his skin in a terrifying way. There was something intensely erotic about his lack of finesse. Raw. Unfiltered. Effortless. The feverish hotness of his own cheeks told him he was blushing, and his dick stiffened in his coveralls. He hoped she wasn’t secretly recording his flustered response, but couldn’t rule it out. 

_“Can I get a yes or no answer, please?” Monica pleaded, quickly losing her composure. “Or literally anything I can actually use?”_

_“No.”_

_“No, you’re not having sex with James Holden, or no, I can’t get a straight answer?”_

_“I don’t know what you’re talking about. The captain and I are just friends. Besides, I ain’t never met somebody who loves somebody as much as Jim Holden loves Naomi Nagata. That, you can quote me on.”_

_“Gee, thanks,” she deadpanned._

Monica ended the video and looked at Holden, who was less than composed. 

“See? Just friends,” Holden said, unconvincingly. 

“That’s what you got from that?” 

“He’s fucking with you. You have to know that.” 

“Then why were you holding hands?” she accused. Holden’s cheeks reddened. He knew full well she had cameras all over the Rocinante. The med bay had been a no-camera zone, but Monica hadn’t been known for respecting boundaries. He shouldn’t have been so careless. He was less concerned about the hand-holding then he was about the mental breakdown, but if she knew about one she knew about the other. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he lied. Monica switched the screen to footage of their little moment, taken through the foggy door of the med bay. The image was clouded, but what they were doing was crystal clear. He let out a frustrated sigh, then fruitlessly tried to act casual. “Oh, that,” he tried to say like he didn’t already know, “yeah, he was helping me through something. Just dudes being bros, right?” He grimaced at his own choice of words, a joke that clearly didn’t land. 

“Okay, _bro._ And what was he helping you through?” she asked, rewinding to him yelling at nothing. 

“I’d rather talk about our budding romance,” he redirected, swiping at the screen to make the image go away. She rolled her eyes. “Do you have cameras on every room on the ship?”

“None of the crewman’s quarters or the head. We’re not interested in making a porno, if that’s what you’re worried about.” 

“I promise there’s no porno to make.” 

“Speak for yourself, Amos masturbates with astounding frequency.”

“I thought you didn’t have eyes on his quarters.”

“I do not.” 

“Oh, ew. Where?” he asked, then stopped her before she could answer. “Don’t tell me.” Monica laughed, tracing her finger and thumb over the seam of her tight lips like closing a zipper over her mouth. 

“So, you’re not attracted to Amos?” 

“I am not,” he said definitively, like he hadn’t been imagining Amos’s jerking himself nice and slow, putting on a show for the camera. Maybe he’d strip down completely, spread his legs and give a little teasing peak at his tight hole. His _sloppy cunt,_ Holden’s mind provided, then rejected it outright. Holden didn’t know how Amos managed to make that seem hot. It actually seemed like it could possibly be offensive. “Sorry to disappoint.” She narrowed her eyes, disbelieving. She was nothing if not perceptive. 

“He’s very attractive,” she said, as if to say ‘it’s okay, sweetie, there’s nothing wrong with you.’ He rejected the placation. 

“You should go for it.”

“I tried,” she said. Holden raised his eyebrows at that. “He said he, and I quote, doesn’t shit where he eats.”

“Something tells me that means he’s not interested in hooking up with his captain.” 

“But he’s interested in you anyway.” 

“Lucky me.” 

“Is that creating tension between you?”

“Is what creating tension between us?”

“That he’s interested and you’re not.” 

“I don’t think he’s really interested, honestly. Horny, maybe. He wasn’t begging me to make love to him, or whatever. I don’t even think he really wanted to. He might as well have offered to water my plants when I’m outta town. He offered, I declined, it was over.”

“He offered sex as, what, a solution to your protomolecule crisis?” 

“A way to blow off steam, but essentially, yeah.”

“Would you have said yes if you believed he really wanted you?”

“I don’t see the point in entertaining it.”

“Humor me.” 

“If he was interested in me? Like romantically? No. I still wouldn’t have said yes. But if he was the kind of person who _could be_ interested in me romantically, he’d be a different person. Maybe I could be interested in that person, whoever he is. Like I said, no point in entertaining it.” 

“You don’t think Amos is capable of romantic interest?”

“I don’t know. Amos is complicated, and I don’t delude myself thinking I can understand him. I know that if you asked him if he was capable of romantic interest, he’d laugh and say something vulgar.”

“That, I believe.” 

“So, no. There’s no… fraternization happening between myself and Amos. Romantic or sexual.”

“But you’re attracted to him,” Monica insisted. _Yes._

“I’m telling you, no.”

“You said maybe, if he were a different person. So his body’s not the problem.” 

“Have you seen him? No, his body’s not the problem. Why are you so interested in this? Aren’t there bigger fish to fry?” 

“What can I say? Sexual tension makes good TV. Everyone loves a romantic B-plot.” 

“Well, I’ll let you know if ever I’m suddenly, magnetically compelled to fool around with my big, sexy mechanic.” 

### ✰✰✰

“You look stressed,” Amos said through a mouthful of granola. Holden was sitting at the galley table with his head in his hands, his face so wrought with frustration it rendered Amos’s declaration pointless in its obviousness.

“Are you going to offer to suck my dick about it?” Holden asked. 

“Nah. Offer’s on the table if you want it. Not gonna nag you or nothing.”

“Well, thanks for that.” 

“I mean, you should know, I’m really good at it. Best head you’ll ever get, I swear. You know how snakes can unhinge their jaws?”

“Please don’t finish that thought.” 

“I’m just saying, I’m very good at it.” 

“I believe you.” 

“Yeah? You’ve thought about it?”

“You shutting me up with your fat cock between my pillowy lips? Unfortunately, it’s crossed my mind.” 

“Where have I heard that before?” 

“You said it to Monica. On camera.”

“That sounds right. I said a lot of stuff. Did she show you the part where I said you were just being grumpy because you miss nursing Naomi’s strap-on? I almost felt bad about that one.” Holden suddenly wanted a copy of all of the footage Monica had. 

“Naomi doesn’t have a— please stop talking to the press about me in pornographic detail,” Holden pleaded. Amos ignored the request and focused on the truncated denial. 

“You mean to tell me you were on top in that relationship? That doesn’t add up.” 

“I don’t owe you details about that.” 

“You don’t owe me shit, man. But she was in charge, right?”

“You make sex sound like a competition.”

“And I always win.”

“Can you practice some discretion when you talk to Monica? Please?” 

“It ain’t my fault she won’t leave me alone unless I’m talking dirty or whipping my cock out.” 

“So that explains why you’ve apparently taken up a habit of jerking off outside of your quarters?” 

“I’m not some pervert. I just hate those cameras on me.” 

“What happens if they just blur your dick and bleep out the swear words and leave all that footage in the doc?” 

“Who cares?” 

“Me! I don’t love the whole galaxy thinking you… lick my… pussy,” he pronounced, trailing off uncomfortably until the last word was hardly audible. Amos’s smile was proud. 

“Say ‘pussy’ again,” he taunted. 

“Fuck you.” 

“Come on, you’re so sexy when you talk dirty,” Amos coerced, his fingers walking playfully over Holden’s thigh. 

“Stop,” Holden commanded like training a dog. Amos relented. 

“They’re not going to use the footage, Cap. The documentary is about the Ring, not your yummy little cunt,” he teased, barely reassuring. Holden grimaced, and he wasn’t sure if he was more disgusted by ‘yummy’ or ‘cunt.’

“I’d say ‘eat me’ but I’m terrified you’d take it seriously.” 

“You’re safe, brother. I won’t eat you unless you beg.” 

“Don’t flirt with me and call me ‘brother’ in the same sentence.” 

“Okay, baby.” 

Holden put his head back in his hands, and Amos pat him hard on the back. He wished the hand wasn’t as comforting as it was, and cursed Amos’s scary talent of being both the source of his frustration and his only relief from it at the same time. 

Amos liked to touch Holden. There was nothing sensual or tantalizing about the touches, just a casual hand on his shoulder, his hand, or his back, to anchor their bodies together. Amos’s hand seemed to gravitate to Holden’s jaw and neck like it had a home there, and Holden would lean into the caress like asking it to stay. It was a language only they spoke, but they spoke it fluently. 

Holden never realized how often Amos touched him until he started craving it when he wasn’t around. He was starving for those big hands splayed in the space between his shoulder blades. Even as Amos ran his mouth enumerating the depravity he wanted to unleash on Holden’s ass, Holden fantasized more about those strong arms wrapped around his body like a safety blanket. He knew Amos would make fun of him for the thought, and he found comfort in that, too. 

### ✰✰✰

Even as the world crashed down around him, Amos was becoming the main thing on Holden’s mind. 

Maybe Amos had been right that he needed to get laid. It was a foolish, juvenile thought that he would never say out loud. He was an adult man with adult responsibilities, and adult problems that didn’t get solved by putting his dick in somebody. What he really craved was intimacy. Naomi had been gone a long time. His bed, though it always felt too small with Naomi in it, felt too big without her. 

He spent two sleepless nights alone, tossing and turning, tracing the imagined outline of Naomi’s absent body with his hands and breathing in the scent of her until it was gone. He couldn’t take it anymore. He made a very desperate decision. 

“Hey,” he said nervously as the door to Amos’s quarters slid open. It was after hours, and Amos was in his boxers, blinking confusedly as Holden stood orphaned at his doorstep like a lost puppy. 

“You need something?” Amos asked. Holden wasn’t making eye contact. Instead, his eyes trailed over the hulking expanse of skin before him, tracing those bulging muscles in his imagination. “Hey, Earth to Holden? Did you come here to look at me shirtless?” 

“What? No,” he snapped out of his trance. “Maybe.”

“You wanna come inside?” Amos asked, confusion and hesitation unconcealed in his tone and expression. Holden nodded and entered the room, sitting awkwardly on the edge of Amos’s bed. 

“Did I wake you?” Holden asked. Amos shook his head. 

“Who can sleep?”

“Yeah, not me.” 

“Why are you here, Cap? I know it ain’t ‘cause you like staring lovingly into my nipples.” 

“Have I been doing that?”

“Just about. You’re salivating.”

“You’re hot,” Holden said, less of a compliment and more of an obvious truth hanging in the air between them like heavy fog. 

“What happened to ‘not interested?’”

“Still not. Never said you weren’t hot, though.” 

“So this isn’t a booty call?” 

“Not exactly, no.” 

“Then what?” asked Amos. Holden blew out a breath and twisted his foot awkwardly, doing nothing to alleviate Amos’s impatience. 

“It’s kind of weird,” he finally said. 

“You got an ugly rash you need me to look at?”

“No, asshole.” 

“Then I’m out of ideas.” 

“Can I sleep here? With you?” Amos’s eyes widened, and it felt like a ‘no.’ He sat down next to Holden, close enough that their thighs were brushing. 

“You want to cuddle?”

“Forget it,” Holden dismissed. He stood up to leave, but Amos took his hand and pulled him back.

“No, we can cuddle,” Amos shrugged. “Just surprised, is all. You want me to put clothes on?” 

“Not particularly,” Holden admitted, his eyes sweeping once more over Amos’s torso. 

“You dog,” he smirked. Holden shrugged back, parroting Amos’s nonchalance with little success. “Okay.”

Amos turned the light off and got in bed. Holden followed suit. 

“Is this too weird?” asked Holden, self-conscious. The bulk of Amos, pressed solidly against his back, was the most comforting thing he’d felt since Naomi left. He crossed his fingers that Amos didn’t hate it. Amos’s hand on the back of his thigh just barely below his ass said maybe he didn’t. 

“Nah. Weird, but not too weird. I kind of get the appeal. Comfort, right?” 

“Yeah. Safety.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever made somebody feel safe before,” Amos mused, ruminating in the novelty of it. 

“You make me feel safe,” said Holden. Amos laughed, a breathy sound, hearty in Holden’s ear. He could feel Amos’s voice on his skin as well as he could hear it. 

“I think your standard for safety has been warped.” 

“Probably,” Holden agreed, laughing a little, too. 

“Does feel like I probably should be kissing your neck or fondling you a little, though,” Amos said, with no weight in it. Holden felt the weight of it anyway. He processed the proposition, and decided he wouldn’t mind either option.

“You wanna kiss my neck?” he asked, choosing his phrasing carefully. It could be either an offer or a point of clarification. If an offer was the wrong move, it was simply a curiosity. 

“Nah,” Amos said. Holden deflated a little. Amos squeezed the back of his thigh, a subtle act of reassurance. “I mean, yeah, I want to. But it’s a bad idea. You ever heard of that kid’s book, ‘If You Give A Mouse A Cookie’?” 

“It sounds vaguely familiar.” 

“It’s like, if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s gonna want some milk. And then, if you give a mouse some milk, he’s gonna want, I don’t know, a gun or something. I don’t have it memorized. But the point is, if you give him what he wants, he’s gonna want something else, and something else, and something else.” 

“And the moral is?”

“How should I know? I’m not the literature guy. I guess, if you give kids what they want, they’ll become assholes? I never said it was a good book. All I’m saying is, don’t let a guy that wants to suck your cock, kiss your neck.”

“So, if I let you kiss my neck, you’re gonna wanna suck my cock?”

“No, it’s more like, if I kiss your neck, I’m gonna wanna get your shirt off, so I can kiss these broad, sexy shoulders. And if I’ve got your shirt off, I’m gonna wanna flip you around, so I can suck on your nipples and get a good feel for those chiseled abs. And if I’ve got you shirtless and turned around for me, I’m gonna wanna get your pants off and long story short, yeah, I end up with your load in my mouth. Or my ass.”

“What happens if I let you fondle me a little?”

“Well, then you end up with a finger in your hole,” Amos said casually. Holden laughed at that. He wrapped his hand around one of Amos’s fingers, feeling like a baby in comparison to its size. 

“Wouldn’t fit,” Holden mused. Amos laced their fingers together and shushed him, but Holden could feel his smile against his skin. Holden wiggled closer to Amos, grinding his ass against the massive erection between them. _“That_ definitely wouldn’t fit.” 

“You are such a tease, Cap. Go to sleep,” Amos lulled, with a kiss to the back of Holden’s jaw. 

Holden fell asleep easily in his arms.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holden goes to Amos's quarters with no intention of masturbating. Amos goes to Holden's quarters with every intention of masturbating. Plans change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we EXPERIMENTED with FORM (if you're not into the interview transcript format, i get it, you can skip down to the narrative part without missing much, I just had fun with it because fuck the rules)

**Untitled Rocinante Project**

**UN Public Broadcasting Network**

File: Holden_0046.mp4

Duration: 00:58:40

Date: 07/15/51

[32:00]

Stuart: 

| 

But enough about the Protomolecule, huh? Let’s talk about the fun stuff.  
  
---|---  
  
Holden:

| 

You’re not entertained by the new- New Frontier? The future of humanity not sexy enough for your audience?  
  
Stuart: 

| 

Not as sexy as Amos Burton.   
  
Holden:

| 

Few things are.   
  
Stuart: 

| 

So you admit he’s sexy.   
  
Holden: 

| 

Like getting a blow job in the gorilla cage at the San Diego Zoo.   
  
Stuart:

| 

In what way?  
  
Holden: 

| 

Sexy. Scandalous. Dangerous. Stupid.   
  
Stuart: 

| 

That’s your impression of sex with Amos Burton.  
  
Holden: 

| 

Something like that, yeah.   
  
Stuart: 

| 

Then why were you seen entering his quarters late every night for the past week, and leaving early every morning?   
  
Holden: 

| 

You’re not supposed to have cameras on our quarters.   
  
Stuart:

| 

Nothing in the contract about the hallways outside of them.   
  
Holden: 

| 

Playing dirty.   
  
Stuart: 

| 

Your team hasn’t exactly been cooperative.   
  
Holden:

| 

I’m sure Amos will tell you anything you want to know about our sexual exploits.   
  
Stuart: 

| 

Would any of it be true?  
  
Holden:

| 

No.   
  
Stuart:

| 

Which is why I’m asking you. I’m not asking for the pornographic play-by-play. I want to know how you feel about him.  
  
Holden: 

| 

I think I’d rather give you the porno version.   
  
Stuart: 

| 

Holden...  
  
Holden: 

| 

Fine. Um, Amos is my best friend. Kind of. No, that’s not right. Naomi’s my best friend. Was. No, ‘is’ is right. Naomi _is_ my best friend. Amos is my… brother?   
  
Stuart:

| 

Your brother, who you’re having sex with.  
  
Holden: 

| 

We’re not having sex.  
  
Stuart: 

| 

So you’ve just been having slumber parties all week?  
  
Holden: 

| 

Honestly, that’s probably the best explanation for it. Though, I guess it’s probably less embarrassing if people think we’re having sex.   
  
Stuart:

| 

You’re very invested in how your relationship with Amos comes off to the public.   
  
Holden: 

| 

Not the public. I’m honestly beyond giving a damn about any of that. But I figure Naomi will see this, right? And Alex? Fuck, Amos, too. I care what they think. And… oh, shit, my parents. Yeah, my mothers are going to have opinions about Amos.   
  
Stuart:

| 

You have 3 mothers, correct? Out of 8 total parents?  
  
Holden:

| 

Yes. That’s a lot of opinions about my slumber parties with Amos.   
  
Stuart:

| 

It’s sweet that you still care what they think.   
  
Holden:

| 

Is that your professional opinion? As a psychologist?   
  
Stuart:

| 

Sure. As long you’re prioritizing your opinion over theirs. Are you making decisions based on how you feel or how those decisions will appear to others?   
  
Holden: 

| 

That’s… actually a really good question.   
  
Stuart:

| 

Let’s try this: if you could have anything you wanted, no matter what anyone else thought about it, what would it be?  
  
Holden:

| 

You mean, besides to wake up on the _Canterbury_ to learn this has all been one twisted nightmare and the Protomolecule was some kind of imaginary manifestation of my anxieties?   
  
Stuart:

| 

Would you do that, if you could? And give up the family you made for yourself here?  
  
Holden: 

| 

And save millions of lives? Yes.   
  
Stuart:

| 

What would you say if Naomi asked you that question?   
  
Holden: 

| 

I would probably say some shit like, ‘I would choose you, no matter what. Always you,’ and she’d laugh her gorgeous laugh and tell me I’m an idiot, and that I’d better choose to save millions of lives over a relationship that I wouldn’t miss because it never happened. And I’d say something like, ‘I’d know something was missing,’ and she’d elbow me, all playful, because she gets like that when I’m mushy. She’d say something smart, smarter than anything I could come up with, and she’d be right, because she’s always right.   
  
Stuart:

| 

Mhm. Okay. Besides waking up on the _Cant,_ then. If you could have anything right now. Anything that’s actually possible.   
  
Holden:

| 

Naomi.   
  
Stuart:

| 

She’s a couple weeks’ distance away.   
  
Holden:

| 

On the phone, then. Or a video.   
  
Stuart:

| 

Romantic.   
  
Holden:

| 

I know you wanted some line about Amos. But… Naomi. Every time.   
  
Stuart:

| 

Because you and Amos are just… brothers with benefits?  
  
Holden:

| 

[laughs] Gross. I don’t know. I don’t know if there’s a word for it. Friends, best friends, brothers… it all feels too small.   
  
Stuart:

| 

And ‘lovers’ is too big?  
  
Holden:

| 

We’re not lovers. We’re not having sex, and even if we were, I don’t think we’d be lovers. Amos is… something different. Something there isn’t a word for, because there’s never been someone like him before. There’s no one like Amos. He’s something no one else gets to have but me, Alex, and Naomi. No one else would ever understand.   
  
Stuart:

| 

What do you think he would say if I asked him what you are to him?  
  
Holden:

| 

He’d say I’m his [REDACTED] little [REDACTED]-toy that looks so [REDACTED] pretty bouncing like a [REDACTED] on his [REDACTED].   
  
Stuart:

| 

How does that make you feel?  
  
Holden:

| 

How does bouncing on his [REDACTED] like a [REDACTED] [REDACTED]-doll make me feel?  
  
Stuart:

| 

How does it make you feel that he doesn’t consider you more than… that?  
  
Holden:

| 

He does consider me more than that. He just wouldn’t say it out loud.   
  
Stuart:

| 

Is that enough for you?  
  
Holden:

| 

More than.   
  
✰✰✰

After the exhausting interview, Holden went straight to Amos’s room. It was later in the day, but not late enough that Amos would be coming around to hit the sack. 

He didn’t intend to do anything nefarious in Amos’s bed. He wanted to be alone, and his bed reminded him too much of Naomi to bring him any comfort. It was why he spent every night that week in Amos’s bed… among other reasons. But Holden really didn’t come to Amos’s room to masturbate. That was just what happened. 

Holden hadn’t lied when he told Monica he and Amos weren’t having sex, but it hadn’t been the whole truth, either. They’d spent the past six nights teasing each other relentlessly— Holden wiggling his ass against Amos as he got comfortable in the bigger man’s embrace, Amos making a show of being turned on by it. It escalated every night until it reached a boiling point the night before. The smell of Amos on the sheets reminded him of the event, and suddenly his clothes were on the floor, and he was digging through Amos’s drawers for the lube he’d stolen from Holden and Naomi’s bedside table. 

He let himself succumb to the memory. 

_ Holden was grinding back against Amos. He moved like a wanton seductress on the dancefloor of one of the disreputable bars Amos frequented on shore leave. If he could’ve seen himself in a mirror, he’d be humiliated by it. But in the darkness, it felt perfect. The excuse of “getting comfy” was long abandoned; Holden was riding Amos’s cock like it could penetrate him through three layers of clothing. Amos’s cock was so hard and so big, Holden worried idly that it might drill a hole straight through him.  _

Holden spread his legs and let his hands slide down his own body. His fingers shook as they hiked the mountainous terrain of his flesh, trembling between his pecs and over his abs. It had been a long time since he’d touched himself, beyond a cursory release in the shower. He didn’t recall ever having been so inclined to tease himself with his own hands, to let his hard dick weep neglected as he filled himself with his own fingers. Thanks to Amos, he was desperate for it. He trailed those hands down low, surpassing his hardening dick and dipping just below his balls as they hung heavy with arousal. 

_ There were no words exchanged about it, no banter or cliche porn dialogue. If they spoke, they’d have to acknowledge what was happening, and neither was ready to do that. So, instead, they ‘just cuddled’ in the same way they were ‘just crewmates’ who were ‘just’ using each other for ‘comfort.’  _

Holden wished, as he teased a lubed finger over his rim, that Amos had run his mouth as Holden moved against him, instead of letting the silence beat in his ears. He craved the filthy words that dripped from Amos’s tongue when the camera shined its intrusive spotlight on him. He tried to recall them, slipping the tip of his pointer finger inside himself.  _ He opens so easy on my tongue,  _ Amos had said. _ I’m hungry just thinking about it.  _ He fucked himself shallowly on just that one slick digit, sweeping it over and around his rim, closing his eyes and picturing Amos’s face between his legs. It was a pitiful imitation. 

He’d been rimmed before, but it was never something he asked for. Normally, he felt embarrassed by it, blushed and squirmed and ended it before it got good, giving his partner a line about how he wanted fingers inside him so bad, just so it would stop. Now, he ached for Amos lips sucking his rim, his tongue snaking inside.  _ I won’t eat you unless you beg,  _ Amos had said. Holden didn’t do a lot of begging, in his experience. He’d beg for Amos. He’d get on his knees and fucking  _ pray _ for Amos. 

Holden seated himself completely on that finger, and turned his attention back to the night before. 

_ Amos must’ve had enough of the tease, because he was the one who made the first move. He sunk his fingertips into the meat of Holden’s hip with bruising strength, pulling him in. He waited for Holden to stop him. He didn’t. The other hand wrapped delicately around Holden’s neck, an empty threat in each of his fingertips. Part of Holden had wished he’d pulled the trigger and squeezed, restricting the airflow to his lungs, but he waited for Holden to stop him. He didn’t. Amos kissed Holden’s ear, taking the lobe between his lips, and waited for Holden to stop him. He didn’t.  _

Two fingers in his hole, Holden wrapped the other hand around his throat, ghosting his fingertips over the sides of his neck without pressure, just like Amos had. He slipped his fingers in and out of himself. He let himself choke. 

_ “Amos,” Holden begged weakly, but didn’t know what he was begging for. It definitely wasn’t to stop. Nothing further passed his lips but a whimper and a moan as Amos grinded against him, taking the friction he needed by force. Holden threw his head back and let himself be used, breathing shallowly and focusing on Amos’s teeth tugging gently at his ear. He wished so badly to be naked, to be filled. Amos came from nothing but the friction. Holden might’ve mocked him for that, if he hadn’t been on the verge of coming from less.  _

Holden turned onto his belly and buried his face in the smell of Amos’s pillow, fucking himself on three fingers and rutting against the second pillow he’d adopted as his own. There would be nothing sexy about the way he looked, desperate and contorted, inhaling the scent of Amos like a stalker. An animal instinct came over him, and he couldn’t be bothered to care. 

His orgasm ripped through his body with a force he could feel from his blushed cheeks to his curled toes. He rolled onto his side and squeezed Amos’s pillow in his arms, longing to be held by Amos as they came down together from the high of release. 

Holden changed Amos’s pillowcases and sheets, got dressed, and tried not to think about the fact that he’d just come harder than he had in recent memory from fingering himself in his mechanic’s bed to the idea of being humped like a body pillow. He thought about it anyway. 

###  ✰✰✰

The cameras were getting under Amos’s skin. He didn’t need Monica fucking Stuart snooping around in his personal business. The constant surveillance and bombardment of intrusive questions made him feel like a prisoner in his own home, the only place he’d been able to call home his entire life. On top of that, Naomi’s absence left him feeling like he was missing the part of his brain that knew how to think and feel. 

The only time he felt at home anymore was when he wrapped his arms around Holden. What was supposed to be just a casual sexual proposition had evolved into something unfamiliar and exhilarating. Amos, the man who was constantly on edge, whose blank face was a porcelain dam in front of a coursing river of trauma, finally found comfort in the arms of his… whatever Holden was. Captain. Coworker. Friend. Something else. So when he needed an escape from the all-seeing eyes of the Wicked Witch of the Cosmos, he slipped into Holden’s cabin and buried himself in the blankets. 

He put his head on one of the two pillows, and was immediately reminded that this was not just Holden’s bed. Both pillows were white, but the pillow he’d chosen at random was satin, the other cotton like his own. The smell, something sweet and perfumy coexisting with something distinctly more human, unlocked emotions in Amos he’d refused to feel since Naomi left. Love and anger and something like sadness rushed through his body like a violation, and he threw the pillow across the room. 

Amos didn’t forgive Naomi as easily as Holden did. Not because he didn’t love her as much, but because he did. Amos wasn’t quick to trusting. He wasn’t slow to trusting either. Trusting was something he simply didn’t do. So when Naomi earned his trust despite that, it was monumental. And when she broke that trust, it was the closest thing to heartbreak Amos had felt since he decided as a child that he wasn’t going to have a heart anymore. Naomi put a heart in his chest, then turned around and ripped it out. 

But, then again, Amos did anything she asked him to. She was his boss, not because of the nominal position of power she held as XO, but because he trusted her judgment over his own. She acted out of courage and wisdom and kindness. Amos was only capable of one of those things, and his idea of ‘courage’ usually involved killing people when nobody else had the guts. Her courage was far more noble than that. He would do anything she asked him to, happily and with gratitude for the direction. He’d forgive her if she’d asked him to. She didn’t ask. Holden got a ‘goodbye.’ He got an explanation, an apology, and probably some spectacular farewell sex. She didn’t even ask Amos to forgive her. 

He stared at the offending pillow, bent over miserably in the corner of the room, and forgave her anyway. 

Holden’s pillow didn’t have notes of floral or fruit or whatever. It didn’t smell like much at all. But he knew it was Holden’s, so wrapping his arms around it and breathing it in was a comfort. 

He had come to Holden’s room to masturbate. It wasn’t that he was pining after Holden, so desperate to be close to the man that he’d sneak into his bedroom and jerk off to the smell of his sheets and pillows and maybe dirty laundry. It was more like,  _ ugh, this frustratingly hot guy I have to deal with every day has been teasing me like crazy, rubbing his cute little ass on my cock but not letting me inside him, so fuck him, I’m gonna sploodge in his pillowcase. _ But as he squeezed Holden’s pillow close to him and traced his fingers over the  _ N.N. _ and  _ J.H. _ carved into the wall above their headboard—  _ what are they, fourteen? _ — he felt like he was laying in the sacred burial ground of their relationship. He understood why Holden couldn’t sleep in his own room.

He didn’t jerk off. Instead, he recalled Holden's words to him the very first night they spent together in his bed.  _ You make me feel safe.  _ Amos hadn’t been lying when he’d said he’d never heard that before. He was usually the guy that signalled to people they weren’t safe, like a herald of the apocalypse. He took pride in striking fear in his enemies. But sometimes, his strength, severity, and stoicism meant that even his friends feared him. Even Holden. Even Naomi. He hated that. The only thing he cared about in the fucking universe was keeping his friends safe, even if it meant laying down his life. If Amos could make Holden feel safe by holding him at night, he’d wrap him up like a swaddled baby in his arms and never let go. And if Amos happened to derive great pleasure from holding the captain like that… well, that was just a plus. 

###  ✰✰✰

Holden was already tucked in Amos’s bed when Amos got there.

“Somebody’s eager to get cuddled,” Amos taunted.

“Something like that,” Holden said. His voice was unaffected, but Amos heard the suggestion in it and smiled. 

“You get here early to watch me undress?”

“If I say yes do I get a sexy strip tease?”

“You bring any scrip?”

“I did not.” 

“Big shot thinks he gets a private dance for free, huh?”

“What about an exchange?”

“Are you really about to barter your ass for a lap dance, captain?” Holden considered that. He’d give his ass up to Amos for a lot less. He didn’t say that. 

“Guess not,” he said instead. Amos undressed unceremoniously, and Holden quietly appreciated the view as more and more glistening skin was uncovered. Holden didn’t need practiced movements and delicate seduction from him; Amos was sexy in his effortlessness. 

Once stripped to his boxers, Amos didn’t ask Holden to make room for him in the bed. He scooped him up and casually did the moving for him, before settling in beside him and offering an arm as a pillow. Holden accepted graciously. 

“I wanna say something,” said Amos. 

“Is it something dirty? ‘Cause I don’t know if I can handle that right now.” 

“Nah, but if you want, I can tell you more about how bad I wanna eat your ass out. Wanna get you naked on the fucking galley table and eat that hole for breakfast every morning.” 

“That would make some documentary,” said Holden. 

“Fuck the documentary.”

“Alex would quit his job in a heartbeat.” 

“So we’d be all alone to fuck on the galley table.” 

“In a tin can hurdling directionless to our demise without a pilot.”

“Okay, fine, we’ll keep Alex. You’re no fun.” 

“Sorry. What were you gonna say that wasn’t about my asshole?” 

“I was just gonna say I think you’re doing a good job. You know, despite everything.” 

“You mean, despite going absolutely fucking crazy?”

“Sure. A lot of guys go crazy and get evil. You went crazy and stayed good. That’s something.” 

“Thanks, I think,” Holden said. 

“I don’t know, man,” he shriveled up into a shrug. “You know me. I’m not great with the kindness or whatever. But—”

“Yes, you are,” Holden interrupted. Amos made a sour face. 

“You don’t have to come up with some compliment for me just ‘cause I gave you one. I know I’m not a ‘nice guy.’” 

“Maybe not ‘nice,’ but  _ kind, _ in a heartbeat. I hate that you can’t see that about yourself.” 

“That’s ‘cause I ain’t delusional.” 

“Look, I’ll admit your kindness doesn’t exactly look like other people’s kindness. But that doesn’t mean you’re not kind. You helped me through… what happened in the medbay last week. I never told you how grateful I am for that.”

“I offered you a blowjob. That’s kindness to you?” 

“In an unconventional way, sure. You saw me freaking out, and instead of judging me for it, you offered what you had to offer to make it better. And then, when I was strung out and terrified and lonely and needed somebody to hold my hand and cuddle me like a goddamn infant, you did that, too. Even if it was weird, even if it was way out of your comfort zone, you helped in every single way you could. That’s kindness.” Amos squirmed a little under the praise, but gave a small smile. The words felt good, even if he didn’t know what to do with them. 

“Cheesy.”

“But true,” insisted Holden. He put his hand on Amos’s neck, the same way Amos always did to him. “I love you, brother.”

“Don’t start that,” Amos grimaced. Holden laughed. 

“Fine, how’s this instead? You can kiss my neck, if you want to,” said Holden, and it was so much better than ‘I love you.’ The tone shifted in the room, the proposition hanging in the air, an invitation from ‘just crewmates’ to something else. Amos looked at him to gauge his intention. It was a very specific request, and there was no way that was a coincidence. Holden was opening a floodgate, and doing so purposely. Amos had been very clear all those nights before that he didn’t want to do this half way. If he kissed Holden’s neck, he was going to want to keep kissing until the kissing turned to sucking and the sucking turned to sex and the sex turned to coming. The look in his eyes said Holden knew exactly what he was asking for.

Amos ghosted his sealed lips up the side of Holden’s exposed throat and hummed contemplatively.

“You sure?” Amos asked, pink lips dragging over pale skin. Holden only nodded. “Use your words, Cap. Tell me ‘yes.’”

“Yes, fuck, yes, Amos. Whatever you want, you can have it,” he pleaded desperately. A thoughtful darkness fell over Amos’s countenance. 

“You shouldn’t say shit like that, Captain,” Amos warned, tilting Holden’s head with his hand on his cheek until their eyes met, Holden’s wide and wet, Amos’s intense and hungry. “You don’t know what I’m capable of.”

“I trust you,” Holden insisted without hesitation. If Amos had a heart, it grew three sizes in his chest. 

Amos’s hand found its home under Holden’s jaw, pulling him closer as he sucked hungry kisses into the skin of his neck. 

“Wait,” said Holden, and Amos’s heart shriveled back down to size for a moment as he assumed the worst. He pulled away quickly. “No hickeys,” Holden warned, pointing an accusing finger in Amos’s face. Amos relaxed and laughed. 

“Monica would have a field day with that, huh?” he joked, returning to his task with another hot, sucking kiss, not hard enough to make a mark. “Captain James Holden with a big pretty bruise on his neck. Alert the presses.”

“Please, no.” 

“Don’t worry, Cap. I want Alex asking questions at the breakfast table even less than you do.” 

“Do we have to tell Alex?”

“Tell him what? Relax,” he calmed, brushing his thumb over Holden’s lower lip. Holden abandoned the line of questioning, caught the digit in his mouth and sucked on the pad of it while Amos worked on his neck. 

Amos tugged at the hem of Holden’s shirt, and the captain took the hint. Holden tried to take the article off smoothly, though the position made his movements stilted and awkward. Amos was endeared by the stumbling for a moment, then distracted by the ripple of bared abs. He marveled Holden’s body with his palms like reading braille, and whatever sarcastic remark he had to offer dissolved on his tongue like cotton candy. Instead, he said nothing, dragged his fingers and palms over the hills and valleys of Holden’s torso worshipfully. Amos smoothly repositioned himself over Holden’s supine form. As his hands studied attentively the landscape of Holden’s upper body, so, too, did his lips, trailing kisses in a winding path from his neck to his navel. Holden had never seen the brute of a man move with such subtlety and patience. Everything the night before had been— fumbling and desperate, like teenagers in a dark closet playing seven minutes in heaven— this was the opposite. Amos took his time getting to know Holden’s body, making a mold in his memory like he’d never get to see it again. 

Amos didn’t ask permission as he pulled the coveralls hanging around Holden’s waist to act like pants down in one motion. 

“Fuck, you’re pretty big, Captain,” Amos marveled, looking but not touching. Holden sighed in frustration at the tease. He wasn’t exactly in the mood to chat about it, and he strained desperately against his boxer briefs, precum darkening a spot into the grey material. “Though I can’t say I’m surprised. I’da put money on you packin’ heat.”

“Yeah, why’s that?” Holden humored, his voice weak under the crushing weight of his arousal. 

“You have huge feet.”

“I think that’s a myth.” 

“That you have huge feet?”

“That big feet means big dick.” 

“I don’t know, I’m looking at some pretty convincing proof,” he said, nudging their feet together. Amos’s feet were bigger than Holden’s, though that wasn’t surprising. Amos was bigger than Holden everywhere. They were both built shorter and sturdier than Belters or Martians, a typical result of growing up in Earth’s gravity, but Amos was tall for an Earther, and Holden was just on the short side of average. It was jarring for both of them to be this close, to feel the impact of their size difference. Holden carried himself a lot taller than he was. Amos was aroused by the reminder that, despite Holden’s huge personality and influence, Amos could probably bench-press the guy with one hand.

“Thanks,” Holden deadpanned, the impatience in his voice pulling a laugh from Amos’s lips. Amos took pity on him and hooked his thumbs in Holden’s waistband, evacuating that big cock like a prison break. 

“Pretty,” Amos complimented, stroking ever-so-lightly with the lengths of his fingers. He knew Holden needed more, but wanted to make him ask for it, both because he craved the explicit permission that told him he wasn’t doing the wrong thing, and because making Holden squirm was fun. 

“Amos,” said Holden, deep like a warning and breathy like a plea. 

“Use your words,” said Amos for the second time. 

“Fucking suck my fucking cock, you fucking asshole,” insisted Holden, a cross between a growl and a whine that put a bright, amused smile on Amos’s face. 

The next thought that crossed Holden’s mind was how right Amos had been when he bragged about his cocksucking skills. He’d promised the best head Holden would ever have, and delivered, opening his throat easily to accommodate the hard length. 

“Like a fucking snake,” Holden recalled under his breath, his overwhelmed brain useless to stop the mindless rambling. Amos hummed, his lips all the way at the base of Holden’s cock, and Holden had to pull him up by his hair to stop himself from coming too quickly. “I’m not gonna last.” 

“Don’t have to,” Amos shrugged. “Been dying to taste your come all week.” 

“I want to come with your fingers in me.” 

“Shit, Cap, I thought you’d never ask,” he grinned, taking Holden’s thighs in his big, powerful grasp and forcing his knees to his chest effortlessly. Holden blushed at the exposure, his cock, balls, and hole now fully on display under Amos’s intense and adoring gaze. Amos’s splayed hands pressed his asscheeks apart, and he paused long enough for Holden to remember that his hole was still used and sloppy from his exploration in Amos’s bed. “Looks like somebody got here first,” said Amos, teasing the pad of his thumb over the winking rim. 

“Uh, sorry,” said Holden, humiliated. 

“Better have been you. I’m not sharing with Alex.”

“Gross,” reacted Holden viscerally, before feeling guilty about it. It was nothing personal; Alex was like his brother. He supposed Amos was, too, but there was a difference he couldn’t describe in words. “I mean, yeah, it was me.” 

“Couldn’t wait, huh?” he smirked. Then, after a beat of silence, “wait, where?”

“What do you mean ‘where?’”

“Where were you on the ship when you got so fucking hungry for something in your ass that you had to take matters into your own hands?”

“My cabin,” Holden said, like that was an obvious truth and not a blatant falsehood. “Some of us don’t masturbate in shared spaces.” Amos teased Holden with his knuckles as he digested the lie and the grandstanding that came with it. 

“When?” he narrowed his eyes. 

“I don’t know, dude, can we discuss it later?” Holden asked, reaching to stroke his own cock for a little bit of release. Amos swatted his hand away. 

“When?” Amos repeated. 

“Like, an hour ago? Two? Why?”

“‘Cause I was in your quarters before I came here.” Holden’s eyes widened, doe-like as he was caught in the lie. 

“Wh-why?” 

“Needed a break from the goddamn cameras.”

“In  _ my _ room?” 

“You’re one to talk,” Amos accused, slipping two fingers into Holden to emphasize his point. Holden gasped at the intrusion. He was prepped plenty, but it was still barely enough for two of Amos’s thick fingers. It felt like a punishment and a reward in equal measure. “Finger-fucking yourself in my damn bed. You that slutty, Captain?” 

“Couldn’t stop thinking about last night… Needed it so bad. Fuck, Amos, I’ve never needed somebody this bad,” he whimpered, those fingers fucking in and out of his hole. His cock twitched, neglected and drooling precum over his abs. Amos was craving that leaking tip at the back of his throat, but didn’t let on. 

“Really? Fuck. I got you that horny humping you like a fucking dog?” 

“Are you kidding? I’ve never been more horny in my life.” 

“Good. I was worried I’d crossed a line,” he admitted. Holden got whiplash as Amos’s face went from cocky to vulnerable in an instant. 

“Please cross more lines. ‘Want you to cross lines.” 

“Okay, baby boy. But next time you’re that desperate for something in this slutty hole, you come to me, is that clear?” Back to cocky. 

“What, I can’t masturbate?” 

“You prefer your fingers to mine?” asked Amos, mock-offended, forcing a third finger inside. Holden moaned and shook his head frantically. 

“No, fuck. Fucking fuck me.” 

“Damn, Holden, you swear like a—”

“Ship captain?” 

“I was going to say ‘desperate little bitch in heat,’ but sure, that.” 

“Would you rather I said,” he pitched his voice up, “‘please, Amos, make sweet love to me?’”

“No, I think that would make my cock shrivel up and turn to ash.” 

“Fucking fuck me, then.” 

“Aye, aye, captain,” snarked Amos. He got up to get the lube from the drawer and stripped his boxers off before returning. As his cock was uncovered, a dramatic unveiling, Holden wondered how the hell Amos walked around so humbly and casually knowing there was a goddamn Titan in his underpants. If Holden was that big, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to think about anything else. It actually explained a lot about Amos’s personality. “Close your mouth, you’ll catch flies.” 

“We’re on a spaceship. There are no flies.” 

“Then close your mouth or I’ll shove my cock in it.” Holden opened his mouth wider and stuck his tongue out. Amos just laughed. 

“You’re a cockslut. Why didn’t I know that sooner?” 

“I try to keep it under wraps.” 

“Does Naomi know? Fuck, is that a bad question?” 

“You can mention her. Yes, she knows I like cock. Please put that monster inside me.” Amos lubed himself up and hummed, pretending to hesitate.

“I don’t know, I think you were right the other day. No way I’m fitting in that tight hole.” 

“You’ll make it work.”

“Might hurt.”

“Amos, if you don’t stretch me open on that fat fucking cock, I’m gonna…” Holden trailed off. He couldn’t exactly threaten to force Amos into anything. He wouldn’t wield his position of power over Amos, and couldn’t if he tried. Any threat of force would be both a violation of trust and a futile attempt. 

“What, Cap?” Amos smiled like he’d won some kind of competition. “You gonna force me? Fire me? Space me?” 

“Cry.” 

Holden could threaten to beat him up and he’d lose his shit laughing at the mental picture, but crying? Now that was a scary threat. Amos didn’t know what to do when people cried. It was kind of sweet, in a twisted way, that Holden knew him well enough to hit the nail on the head that hard. 

“Cry?” repeated Amos, incredulous. 

“Yeah,” he said, like ‘check-mate.’ “I’m gonna cry, and you’re gonna have to hold me and tell me it’s okay.” 

“You assume I wouldn’t leave you here? I could go jerk off in your room, sleep like a baby.” 

“You would stay. You would take care of me.” 

“Yeah, I would,” Amos admitted softly. He would. It felt good knowing Holden knew that, too. “I mean, I don’t know what the fuck I’d do about it, but I’d stay and try.” 

“You’re a good man, Amos Burton. Please put your cock in me.” 

Amos laughed and pressed their foreheads together as he rubbed his cockhead over Holden’s fluttering hole. 

“You sure?” he teased one final time, masking his own uncertainty with the taunt. 

“Yes, Amos, please.” 

Holden’s breath hitched when he pushed inside. Amos took his time and allowed Holden to get used to the stretch, focusing on the contortion of his captain’s face so he could catch the exact moment it changed from pleasure to pain. It never did. Holden was biting his lip and moaning and writhing, grateful for every new inch that slipped inside him. 

“Talk dirty to me,” Holden pleaded without thinking first, then hoped Amos didn’t make too much fun of him for it. Amos seemed to take the request seriously. 

“Dirty like, ‘you feel so good on my cock, baby boy’ or dirty like ‘I’m gonna fuck this cunt ‘til you beg me to stop, you worthless little cockslut?’”

“Dealer’s choice, I guess?” Amos laughed. 

“You’re adorable.” 

“Not exactly what I was looking for.” 

“I know, you want to be  _ taken,” _ he punctuated the word with a hard thrust of his hips, “and  _ degraded,” _ thrust, “and fucking  _ ruined,”  _ thrust, “...by my massive fucking cock in this tight little hole,” thrust, thrust, thrust. Holden whimpered with every powerful shove that shook his entire body, and missed the sensation sorely when Amos relented. He replaced the violent stabs with gentler movements, slower and deeper and angled just right to nudge against the bundle of nerves inside him that turned him on like a faucet. “Not tonight, Holden. I’m gonna treat you nicely, just this once. Tomorrow, I’ll skull-fuck you ‘til your teary eyed, since you wanna cry for me so bad.”

Amos kissed Holden’s neck as he grinded into him with patient gyrations. Holden didn’t know where he learned it, but Amos knew exactly how to light up every pleasure center in his body like the New York City skyline. Holden wasn’t going to last much longer. The moment he thought so, Amos, who apparently suddenly knew everything and could read his mind, reached for his cock to stroke him to completion. 

“Good, little cockslut, come for me,” he beckoned, and Holden didn’t need to be told twice. Amos jerked him with expert twists of his wrist, coaxing ropes of hot, white pleasure from the dark pink tip of Holden’s cock. Amos held Holden close as he fucked him through his orgasm, taking advantage of the way he tensed and tightened as he came. Amos came not long after, spilling deep inside Holden, lingering there until he softened. 

Immediately upon laying down next to Holden, as though his muscles had memorized the movements, Amos wrapped his arms around Holden’s body and pulled him as close as he could. 

“Holy shit,” Holden said after a while. 

“Bad?” 

“No,” Holden assured, seeking out Amos’s hand and squeezing it. “Hot. Like, earth-shatteringly hot. You broke my brain.” 

“Good,” said Amos. He left a peck on Holden’s jaw and let his hand be held. “So you’re kinda submissive, huh?” 

“Yeah.” 

“That’ll be fun.”

“Yeah? You really gonna fuck my face until I cry?”

“Nah, I’m not a sadist or nothin.’ Sorry to disappoint.” 

“With that cock, I don’t think there’s anything you could possibly do that would disappoint me.”

“Good to know,” said Amos. He kissed Holden’s neck again, softer and more chaste than before, just a series of affectionate pecks. He trailed those same kisses over Holden’s shoulder and part of his back, then returned home to his neck and jaw. 

“You know you can kiss me on the lips, right?” Holden asked. Amos stilled, his lips parted and still pressed against Holden’s skin, and contemplated that. “I mean, if you want to.”

“I did not know that,” answered Amos simply, his voice not giving away what he felt about it. Holden turned around to face him. 

“Do you want to?” he asked. Amos didn’t like the question. Amos didn’t want to do anything Holden didn’t want to do, and wanted everything Holden did. His answer depended entirely on Holden’s. 

“Do you?” 

“I asked you first,” insisted Holden. He grimaced at the petulance in his own voice, but wanted Amos’s answer before he gave away his own. 

“What are you, four?” 

“I don’t know, if I want to kiss you and you don’t want to kiss me, that makes everything awkward. It’s already awkward enough that we’re crewmates and friends and now we’re fucking and there are cameras on us all the time and these interviews and—” Amos kissed him. “Was that like a ‘I’m kissing you to shut you up’ kiss or like a—” Amos kissed him again. “That doesn’t answer my—” Amos kissed him again, and didn’t stop kissing him. 

“Does it feel awkward?”

“No. Feels good.” 

“Good. I want to make you feel good. You gonna gimme what I want, Cap?”

“Yes.” 

“Good.” 

They kept kissing. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Check out deleted content from this fic on my Tumblr: and-they-were-crewmates.tumblr.com
> 
> https://and-they-were-crewmates.tumblr.com/post/624408977783111680/if-you-give-amos-a-cookie-deleted-scene-22  
> https://and-they-were-crewmates.tumblr.com/post/624407864828739584/if-you-give-amos-a-cookie-deleted-scene-12


End file.
